


Raw

by SaraDrake



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 14:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12322449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraDrake/pseuds/SaraDrake
Summary: Never let them in. Never let them make you vulnerable. Never let them touch you.Lena never let anyone touch her again, cutting everyone down with barbed comments and cold detachment before they could ever pierce her heart. It worked...until Kara.





	1. Chapter 1

_"I'll always be your friend. I'll always protect you. I promise."_

Lena gazed out the massive windows of her balcony, watching the city lights blur. It was evening, and the darkness contrasted with the brightness underneath, and if she gazed upon the lights too long, the ache along her temples became unbearable. It didn't matter. She scrunched up her eyes. When she was a child, she would play a game with her brother in the back seat of her parents' limo. They would squint their eyes, watching the glare of the street lamps extend into beams. Lasers to fight the monsters.

_Don't let them touch you, Lena._

Of course, the lasers would cut through anything and the monsters never touched them. As she grew older, the monsters became the faces of her mother and later her peers. Her mother's cold indifference ripped Lena to shreds with the cruelty of a surgical scalpel. Leaving her less willing to trust, to feel, to yearn for anything resembling love.

Her mother taught her that everyone was the same. Lena learned the hard way, each betrayal or disappointment striking another broken nail into her already violated trust.

_Never let them in. Never let them make you vulnerable. Never let them touch you._

Lena never let anyone touch her again, cutting everyone down with barbed comments and cold detachment before they could ever pierce her heart. It worked...until Kara.

Kara ripped through her defenses, slammed through her walls and burst into her life. Lena couldn't resist her, and after a time she had not wanted to. Even when Kara chose Mike—Mon-El, Lena would rather bask in her shadow than be cut out of her life. Kara accepted her. Kara believed in her. Kara supported her. No one else had, and she yearned for it. And Lena couldn't let go.

So, when Kara shut her out of her life, Lena did not know how to cope. And that would never do. She needed to control herself and this shattered being drowning herself in alcohol was not an example of control.

A Luthor did not love. A Luthor did not care. Yet, Lena did. Lillian's harsh voice rasped deep inside.  _You did this to yourself, foolish child. Who could love you?_

Lena raised her shot glass, taking another sip of the amber colored liquid. Another shot. Another sip. She couldn't remember how many glasses this time, everything seemed to blur together. _Why are you feeling so sorry for yourself, Lena? You caused this. You and your pathetic need for acceptance._

Guilt tasted bitter and she gasped under the weight of it. She would never free herself of it. How could she when she couldn't escape the crimes of her brother or her mother. Their crimes paled in comparison to her own. She was cursed.

She slammed her hand on the desk. Hard. Her palms stung, and wetness tickled her cheeks. Her fault. It had all been her fault because she was a fool who allowed her world to be invaded because someone offered affection. The affection her own mother refused to give her. Pathetic. Her mother had always been right. Love was the reason her hands shook in her office while she drowned her misery in yet another glass. She should have known. Mother always had said love was a lie. The tightness in her chest confirmed the authenticity of that statement.

_I'll always be your friend._

Lena let out a sardonic chuckle. It had not taken long for that promise to be broken. Oh, Kara had not said it so many words. But her silence spoke volumes. After the first few weeks of Lena's calls not being answered and her texts looking like a one-way spam, the answer was obvious. Kara hated her. Lena understood it. She really did. She'd hate herself.

_I'll always be your friend._

A harsh cry escaped her mouth and her fists collided against the smooth surface again.  _Bang_. Her fists started growing numb, but it didn't matter.  _Bang_. The pain just fed her anger, and the anger felt so much better than the nothingness encroaching her.

_I'll always be your friend._

Where was her  _friend_  now that the latest glass of bourbon clogged her throat, turning her carefree laughs into acridity? Where was her  _friend_  when her self-hatred threatened to take her place and leave her dangling on the edge of some crevasse?

_I'll always be your friend._

Fire raced through her veins, and she couldn't breathe enough. She hated that word. Friend. All of her friends lied, one way or the other. Lied about who they were or what they wanted. Kara was no exception.

Lena closed her eyes. Her lungs trembled with the effort of holding back the scream that began to topple over, and it was hard. Too damn hard to hold back. She wanted to rage against the night, throw her glass against the wall and scream until her last breath.

She reached for her cell, out of habit, out of desperation. As if on autopilot, Kara's image flowed on the screen. Vivid blue eyes shone beneath wide-rimmed glasses, and those eyes had captured her long ago.

Lena swallowed and her fingers traced the pixelated edges of Kara's face. Beautiful. Exquisite. A rush of yearning engulfed her senses.

She heard the dial-tone and let the phone ring until it went into voice mail. Again. Lena knew her call would never be returned, but she left a message anyways.

"I'm sorry, Kara. I'm sorry you had the misfortune of knowing me. Your friends were..." A strangled sob cut off the next word. "I—your friends...they were right about me. I'm a Luthor. I'm broken, Kara and I...I'm headed...I'm just going to..." Lena muted the phone as more cries rippled through her. "I...I don't deserve you. I never did.  And I...I just want to apologize for all the anguish I have caused you....please...I'm sorry..." 

Lena couldn't continue and ended the call. _Kara. Please come back...._

_I will always protect you._

_I promise._

Lena laughed, a bitter sound, sharp like glass, ripping the empty room.

_Kara, you couldn't protect me from yourself...._


	2. Chapter 2

 Kara faced the wind. It shrieked. It raged. It sent tendrils of golden hair slapping her face, and her skin mourned the loss of a sting. It billowed her cape in long red waves. She closed her eyes and welcomed the darkness. A memory of dark hair, sky blue eyes and goofy smiles cascaded through the rain like a slow moving waterfall. The image hovered, a dim reflection, but faded away into obscurity as all memories do.

It had been days... No weeks since National City had been devastated by the Daxamite invasion. And she…shut down. She hadn't meant to. It was just too much. She'd pushed through so much already but there was a limit to what even she could bear.

But, better not think about that. It was safer that way.

Light from the moon bounced off the clouds. She raised her head, taking in the moon. Once she loved the stars and would gaze upon them for endless hours. Now, she avoided them. They reminded her of him and she did not want to think about him. She did not want to think about all that she had lost. But, her mind betrayed her and his name rumbled in her head.

_Mon-El. Mon-El. Mon-El._

Fingers into fists, lungs swollen with air, she clenched her eyes shut. She had to fight, fight,  _fight_  against the pull of her emotions. Don't think. Don't feel. Inhale.  _Nothing_. Exhale.  _Nothing_. She breathed easier. She couldn't think past the white noise blanketing her thoughts.

It didn't matter. Her traitorous thoughts summoned him.

She had not been able to protect him. She had to let him go because she could not save him. It was no surprise. She understood the poison that ran through her veins and infected everyone around her. Tragedy followed in her wake. Ask her parents. Ask Aunt Astra. Ask….him. No, don't ask him. Because asking him would be to think about him and that would break her carefully constructed walls that protected her.

A minute passed. Maybe hours while she hid behind the clouds. She should go home and meet her deadline. She had a few days left. But, to write the article would be to remember that day. Remember the fires, smoke and  _him_. James could wait another day. Supergirl had to remain elusive.

It hit fast. She wrapped her arms around her stomach. It churned. It churned. She could feel the bile rising up. Distantly, she picked it apart—the physical discomfort. She had never dry-heaved before this year. Before him. No. She shouldn't think. She shouldn't remember.

She took a cautious breath, then another. Her mouth was dry but she knew she couldn't drink.

A cry filtered through the cacophony of sounds that she had thus far ignored. A woman's cry. She snapped towards the source, peering into the fog that had swept through National City near the docks.

A man had jerked a boy against his chest, his other hand holding some sort of weapon. From her vantage point, it almost looked like some sort of sick embrace. The child could not have been more than five—just a mop of wild russet colored hair. He had all the traits that human children have used to win their parent's love: wide eyes, button nose, and blue eyes.

The boy's mother kept shaking her head, pleading for him to let her son go. Kara heard the tremor in the voice, the urgency. The anguish.

The child trembled, but he didn't cry. He did not whimper. He just stood there awaiting his fate. He reminded her of Alex, stoic, strong and still. Unbidden, a flashback rose from the far reaches of recollection.

_Alex's body floating lifelessly inside of a tank…_

Her nostrils flared and fire burned behind her eyes. The scent of fish, dirt, and ocean wafted through the air. The man jolted, stumbling backward. His insurance was now in her arms.

She stepped in front of the child, softly ushering him towards his mother, eyes fixed on the man. Everyone seems to be talking at once. Their voices were blurred and discombobulated and her brain refused to interpret it.

She stalked towards the man and smiled. It was not a nice smile. People like him were a stain. He thrived off violence and extorting others and she was so tired of humans hurting each other. Why did monsters like this man exist? Why couldn't they just…stop?

He tripped on the ground with a loud thump, hands extended outward. His palms up.

She sauntered forward without pause. Her muscles coiled tight, reading to spring.

There was a slight pounding in her head and hues of blue fell over her vision like a thin shawl. The pressure in her eyes grew intense. It almost hurt.

"You would hurt this child?" she asked, shocked by her indifferent tone.

"I—"

"Why? Why must you prey on your own kind? What kind of monster are you? It's disgusting."

"I didn't mean…Please…"

"Please?" She furrowed her brows. "I believe this woman said please and you still threatened her child?"

A whimper escaped the man's lips.

She raised her fist, her body vibrating with repressed energy.

A tiny tap on her shoulder. "Supergirl, you saved my son! Please, it's alright."

She froze. The pale faces of the mother and her child cut through her haze like a dull butter knife. It hurt. Their wide eyes and parted lips. She shook her head, unable to reconcile that they thought she would—that she could—hurt them. This was not right. This was not right!

It was those damned emotions. The anger. She hadn't realized she had let herself feel again. That was dangerous. She reached for glasses that were not there, and instead pinched the bridge of her nose

Without sparing another glance towards the mother and her child, she grabbed the man and shot up through the air. She could not even find it in herself to laugh at the undignified yelp ringing in her ear.

###

Kara had no desire to walk inside the precinct, but she had her duty. A laugh resonated down the hallway. Familiar and soothing. She knew that laugh. Maggie's laugh had been a constant during game nights and at dinner before—before. She was thinking and feeling again. Carefully, she stopped.

Maggie was rocking her chair back and forth, scraping the legs against the floor and it grated on Kara's nerves. Why did Maggie have to be there? Why?

"Supergirl." Maggie peered at Kara, the skin around her lips tightening. She turned towards the man. "And what do we have here?"

"He attacked a woman and her child by the Docks."

Maggie arched an eyebrow. "I see—" She paused and scrutinized Kara intently. Perhaps, trying to read her. There was  _nothing_ to read.  _Nothing_. "I'll bring him in." Lowering her voice, she said, "Will we see you tonight? Alex really misses you."

Warmth rushed through Kara, followed by that tight ache in her chest. Her stomach twisted again.  _Don't feel. Don't feel._

"I don't have time." Kara said. "I have a deadline."

She did not wait to hear Maggie's response before she burst out the door and launched herself upwards. Away from the child and his mother. Away from the man. Away from Maggie. Away from Alex. Away from everyone.

Her phone buzzed inside her boot. She reached for it and frowned.  _Lena_. Why couldn't everyone leave her alone? Another message. She wanted to ignore it. It would be easier that way, but she couldn't.

She played Lena's message and the world stopped. Lena's words penetrated the stillness in her mind. For a split second, Kara cared. For a split second, she squeezed her eyes shut and searched for that familiar heartbeat. It raced. It raced. It was breaking. Rao, it was breaking. And, Kara moved. There was a boom that cracked through the sky as she broke the sound barrier but she couldn't bring herself to care. Lena was hurting because of—because it—

_She's hurting because of me._

For a split second Kara remembered, and her chest tightened. She peered through steel and brick until she saw Lena. Safe but tears streaked down her cheeks and jaws. Kara's own tears reflected the liquid leaking from Lena's eyes. For that brief instant, they were in sync.

And it was Lena's face that hovered in her mind. Emerald green eyes and thick dark hair.

Kara gulped. Barely breathed. Her throat was so dry. She wanted to rupture the building and get to Lena. But, her friend most likely would not appreciate the damage. The urge lingered. Lena's gasps reached her ears.

And for a split second, Kara's heart broke once more.

But the numbness pressed in, crushing and cruel, and with it, came the weight of her loss. She gasped, arms wrapped around herself tightly. She couldn't feel. She couldn't think. She couldn't be.

And she was lost.

It was better this way.

This silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, thanks so much for reading this and your comments! I thrive off them. 
> 
> Anyways, you asked for it! Well, some of you did. Kara's POV. Honestly, this came about because of Episode 1 of season 3. Something about it left me feeling so raw. Lena had been so vulnerable. I mean it might have worked out in the end...I think but gosh Kara looked so hard. And I kept hearing her promise about always being Lena's friend and all 
> 
> Her POV was kind of difficult because she had been bottling everything and just trying not to feel so I had to keep going back and rewriting. It is difficult to write a withdrawn Kara. I hope I did a little justice? 
> 
> I will go ahead and post this and fix any errors later.  
> Anyways, yes I plan on creating a happy ending.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena's mother is still a manipulative...mean...person!!!!

Lena's head throbbed and her muscles were sore from another sleepless night. The day had rapidly bled into night and for once, she thought she would leave at a decent hour. Well, decent for her.

But, then Lillian Luthor cleared her throat at the doorway, a false smile plastered on her lips. Steel eyes scanned the room, seeming to take note of the files and loose papers on top of the desk before they rested on Lena.

It had been a few weeks since Lena had last seen her mother and while the absence of veiled threats as well as lectures on her abhorrent sense of style and the dangers of all alien life was a reprieve, the silence had been alarming.

She'd rather go back to feeling alarming.

Fortunately, Lena spent a lifetime of training to deflect her reactions to unexpected events, and this was just another unexpected event. That training was the only thing that prevented her from stomping towards her mother and demanding answers. Instead, she schooled her features. Lillian's face remained as inscrutable as ever, giving nothing away.

Who knew what Lillian Luthor's presence could mean? Nothing good…

Lena leaned back in her black, leather her chair. She consciously ensured that the grip on her pen lessened. "What do you need, mother?"

Warring emotions passed over Lillian's face with swiftness and her body tensed for a second before relaxing. A childhood spent interpreting her mother's expressions caused an uneasy feeling to settle in Lena's stomach.

"Always to the point?" A disapproving frown touched Lillian's lips. "Is it that hard to believe I wanted to spend time with you?"

"So, you come to the office at…" Lena narrowed her eyes and glanced at the digital numbers on her watch. "9:45? In the evening?"

Lillian had said she wanted to work on their relationship. And during the Daxamite invasion, she worked with her mother to save the world by creating a device to release lead into the air. It had been everything she hoped for. Her mother's approval. She remembered Lillian's bright eyes and the way she beamed whenever Lena put forth another idea. It was the first time they really worked together and meshed so well. It had been everything Lena had wanted. But, in the end, her mother showed her true colors by taking credit for creating the device that saved the world and then vanishing.

Lena knew that Lillian's aid during the Daxamite invasion was self-serving. Enemy of my enemy as they say. Her mother's motives were less than pure. Lena knew this. She grew up believing trust was just another means of manipulation. Lillian ensured she learned that well. Everyone with a friendly face had a secret side. Usually, something dark. And Lillian Luthor had been the embodiment of dark. She was the darkness that twisted like smoke, choking Lena's lungs until breathing was a bitter luxury. Yet, like a fool, Lena still reached for her mother.

"Can't a mother check on her daughter? It's been awhile."

Lena inwardly rolled her eyes. "Yes, and I've been here." She glanced down at her desk then gave Lillian a hard stare. "Where have you been?"

"I had important work," Lillian began and Lena took a deep breath to stop from mumbling the words 'bullshit.' "I came as soon as I could." She began walking towards the chair on the other side of Lena. "I also wanted to talk to you about something we found…"

_And there it is…._

"Oh?"

"We found another one of Lex's storehouses. It isn't over, Lena…this threat. We've already experienced it. An alien invasion that would have annihilated or enslaved us all. We're at war, and the Daxamites were just the beginning."

Lena braced herself for the blow, but Lillian's words still floored her emotionally. Her mother would never change.

"Why do you hate them so much?"

"Hate who dear?"

Lena's voice was soft. "Aliens. Most of them are harmless. Refugees…."

Lillian chortled. "I don't hate them. And this has nothing to do with love or hate. It's war. These aliens have an advantage over us—their tech. These powers that come from the sun. In the end, it's survival of the fittest. We want to prevent the extinction of the human race. It's what your brother tried to prevent."

"And in doing so, you'll hurt innocents. You've already killed innocent humans as well as aliens. And not every alien is intent on our destruction, they want to help us. Yet, you'd declare war on them too?"

Lillian tisked. "No one is innocent. And even the harmless ones are not so harmless. They'll take our jobs, infiltrate our government and control our lives. Who knows what else they are up to."

"I had hoped after working with Supergirl and the DEO, you'd have seen—"

"Seen what? That they are a much bigger threat than we could have imagined?"

"No, that they are worthy of our trust!"

Lillian scowled and drew her lips into a thin line. "Oh, Lena. Your foolish belief that there's good in these...creatures will be your undoing. Your friend, Supergirl. She'll betray you. You'll see what she really is. It's only a matter of time. And I, I don't want to see you hurt."

A raw hurt stabbed Lena's chest, and she turned towards the window immediately. She recognized that look on her mother's face. Disappointment. Tears began to fill her eyes. Her mother could not be allowed to see the effect of her words. It was a betrayal of hope. She had hoped that Lillian would have escaped the madness. That they could be a normal family and restore their relationship. Once again, Lillian Luthor squashed it. She grit her teeth, unsure what to do next.

_Hold back the tears. Show no emotion. Don't let them get to you!_

Sucking in a breath, Lena relaxed her shoulders, but her gaze remained fixated on the darkness outside as well as her mother's reflection. It was easier that way.

"Let me know what warehouse you need access to and I'll investigate…"

"Lena, this is crucial. You know it has to be you…"

"I'll handle Lex's research appropriately."

"We should go immediately."

"I have too much on my plate right now. I have a conference with Morgan Edge tomorrow. I will let you know what I find."

"Lena, I don't think I have to remind you how paramount this is."

"No mother, you do not. I am sure you can see your way out," Lena said, her tone dull. She didn't bother to turn back towards her mother.

###

A scream split through the air. Her scream. Thousands of voices rose up into the air in a violent cacophony, louder and louder. With every second, they grew sharper. Though the words were hard to distinguish, one name rang out through the clamoring discord. _Lena._

Gone.

It was over.

Everything.

The smoke climbed to the sky, thick and black. Or, maybe the night sky fell to the earth, blanketing National City in tendrils of darkness. It clawed its way into her, the darkness. It was visceral. It felt as if tar seeped through her veins, slithering inch by inch until it clogged her throat and blocked her lungs. Madness, it was all madness.

She raised her head to the stars, but the smoke had blotted out their light just as they had hidden the sun throughout the day.

She was cold.

But, it wasn't cold. She shivered. It must be from the ice that formed in her chest, causing convulsions through the empty shell of her heart.

Her body shook because it had been abandoned by the sun.

She closed her eyes against a burst of images: children buried under black asphalt, whimpering, their little arms reaching out…for her. But, she couldn't save them.

Sam, her neighbor—his wife, Heather, screaming just as they were about to leave their apartment. She had seen what Sam had not. A helmet that masked a cold face. Did she know that moment would be her last? Would her hard stare haunt Lena forever?

The cries, the pain…so much pain! So much anguish. It had been her fault. Her fault. She had welcomed a snake with open arms and sealed the fate of the world because of her thirst for affection.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Her eyes opened and National City was no longer covered in flames. It was no longer dark and light streamed through an open window. It had been another dream. Another nightmare.

She clawed at her hair with stiffened fingers and took rapid gulps of air. It wasn't enough. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. Blue lights drew her gaze and her bottom lip trembled So much pain. So much confusion. How many children had lost a parent because of her? How many parents lost a child?

_Because of me…_

Self-hatred slammed into her like a sledgehammer, each strike a reminder of her sins. Each callous thought's impact rattling her chest. She hated her deep-seated needs that had become so intrinsic to her being she couldn't root them out. Her pathetic need for approval, the way warmth had filled her whenever she had received acceptance. Her pitiful need for touch that had been vacant so long. Her need to please that caused her to throw the world into chaos.

She had gravitated to Rhea like a fool. Her words well oiled and oozing charm. She said exactly what Lena longed to hear, and the world had been condemned for it.

Lena shuddered in her blankets. She grabbed her cell and began to pull up a familiar number but ended the call at the last second. Kara hated her. She had no one.

A card on the end table caught her attention. A number. It was 8:50 in the morning, surely it wasn't too early.

The dial tone mocked her. What was she going to say? It had been weeks…

"Mmm hello?"

"Hello, Mr. Schott. It's Lena Luthor."

"Lena? Hey! Hey, we already talked about the last name thing! How are you! It's so great you called!"

"I—I was just wondering if your invitation still stood?"

"Invitation?"

Lena swallowed. "Yes, coffee. I—I would like to have coffee. You were right. I need to get out."

"Yes! That would be so awesome!"

Lena smiled despite herself. "I will call you with details later this afternoon."

"Okay! I'll talk to you then!"

Lena was left listening to the dial tone, curled up in the vast expanse of a cold bed and staring into the silence of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. I was planning on writing this all from Lena's POV but my friend asked me to do Kara's POV second chapter. This story is still in Lena's pov, but my friend was bossy which is why the second chapter had Kara. So there, Alexis!
> 
> Anyway, I wanted to get this out. I have had a crazy last two weeks and wanted to finish this chapter! I am excited for the next. I didn't have beta so all errors are my own. I will most likely fix as I go. Thanks so much for all the comments and kudos! Please let me know if I did okay this one. I wanted to kind of have confusion after the dream so not sure if it worked.


	4. Chapter 4

The screams. The screams and the cries and the flames and darkness. Always the darkness and the cold. The cries haunted her. Kara always heard the cries.

 _Boom_.

The eruption of another world reached for her, wildfires leaped with a frenetic energy. The flames bit into her palms and ash smudged her face. Her skin stung, but she kept her eyes squeezed tight. The world behind her lids was not any better. She knew it was there. The flames, the screams, and the dark. That empty chasm where time had no meaning.

Exhaustion tore at her muscles, and the scent of burnt paper wafted through the blackness and the engulfing planet drifted to obscurity. Now, it smelled like someone was burning leaves, or perhaps a campfire, like the one that lit the forest floor when she'd go camping with Alex when they were younger. She remembered roasting marshmallows, and that fluffy sugary taste that would coat her tongue.

This scent became more poignant.

Her lips curved downward.

A woman's shrill shouts echoed through the darkness. Kara could barely make out the words. Something about a bed. That voice was familiar….

Kara's mind ran in pointless circles. She needed to move…needed to get out of this nothingness. She remained still as a statute.

Another voice lifted above the cacophony conjured by her mind. An image of auburn hair swept back into a ponytail flashed through her mind. Alice…her best friend from Argo City. Long mornings spent studying and comparing notes. It had all been so overwhelming but Alice gazed up at her with her bright emerald eyes...emerald eyes like—like—she couldn't remember. It didn't matter. The exams were tomorrow and she had to please her father. She would be the youngest person inducted into the Science Guild. It would be such a great honor! She would work at the side of her father, solving life's mysteries. She would—

She was back in that thick fog of thick fog of nothingness. People were still screaming and smoke clung to the air. She coughed—couldn't breathe. Her heart hammered in her chest. She couldn't move. Plaster and dust exploded and a scream tore from her throat. She was there again—everyone would die. Her family. Her friends. Her….

With a dizzying suddenness, her surroundings altered as if someone had rewritten reality and the darkness receded. The screams melted away into the dull hum of hovercrafts rushing past her estate. Golden light from Argo city spilled through the windows circling the top edges of her room, illuminating a table and the white cushions atop several chairs. A wave of nausea sunk in her stomach.

Alice sat cross-legged on the floor in front of her, one of Master Gleeson's notebooks on the top of her lap. She was currently sifting through it and from the expression on her face, Kara could tell that the material would not be straightforward. Master Gleeson's greatest joys involved bewildering concepts. He passed that  _joy_ …or more like forced it onto his students.

Kara stretched her legs and yawned loudly. She had already memorized the chemical equations and formulas listed in the optional exercises and Alice had refused any offers of help.  _Stubborn girl._

When Alice paused her perusal of the notes and glared at her, Kara straightened and glanced back at her own books.

"What are you doing?" Alice's voice was shrill, the sound cutting the air, sharp as if a splitting through a glass.

Kara furrowed her eyebrows and pursed her lips. "I'm not doing anything?"

Alice's face twisted into a scowl. "Stop!"

Kara frowned and narrowed her eyes at Alice's perplexing attitude. Sure, Kara was bored but that was not a reason to shout at her.

A sense of weightlessness came over her, and her room vanished, replaced by pure sunshine and the fields from Kansas. The scent of fresh grass and the sweet powdery scent of wheat wafted through the air. And Alice had vanished.

Kara stared ahead and gasped. Mon-El, that goofy smile on his lips, held out his arms. That smile she ached for every night. She crashed into his arms and buried her head against his chest. The spicy scent of his aftershave made her sigh. She was safe with him.

A hand tapped her shoulder and she turned towards her mother. Tears burned her eyes and her bottom lip trembled.

This wasn't real. Mon-El was gone, stranded out in space elsewhere and her mother—her mother had died with her planet.

Kara shot awake. Her pulse raced before the truth of her reality penetrated her confusion. At a glance, nothing around the apartment had changed.  _His_  side of the bed was empty. The closet door was open a crack. Inside, there was a gap where  _his_  garments should have been. His clothes, the framed pictures that had been stripped from her walls, and anything else that had reminded her of him had been pushed into a box at the bottom of the closet. It was better this way…to forget…to not think of him. The floor was polished to an almost chilling perfection and the colors had faded away into a slate gray. Her phone sat on her nightstand untouched, the screen dark.

Her failure had led to so much pain. The invasion was her fault. Mon— _his_  departure was her fault. She was doing it again. She was remembering and that was bad. She willed the numbness to overtake her and let the cold sink into her bones.

A man's voice ripped through the discord in her mind. "Help!"

She stiffened and leaned her head to the side. Was that cry for help or a figment of her imagination? She stilled, listened for another plea for help.

Noises began to reverberate around her. The buzz from a television two floors down, the grumbling dishwasher from next door, a horn blaring down the street, a laugh from the man working at the hot dog stand three blocks away, a mother demanding her kids get out of the damned bed before she submerged them in ice water and—and—there it was. A man's shout.

She threw back her cashmere blankets and leaped out of bed. Spinning on her heel, she yanked on the navy blue and red suit that housed her family's crest and shoved her feet into red boots. She bolted out of her bedroom, bounded out the back window and surged into the wind.

She focused on the man and his rising agitation. She heard a woman's voice mixing in with the man's. It led her to hover over an apartment building close to the alien bar she had frequented with her friends before—she blinked, willing those thoughts to the void.

She descended before a door that was cracked open. There was a short hallway and to the left, and another door.

Now standing outside the apartment that housed the disturbance, she squinted and a myriad of images came into focus. First, the shapes of furniture—a couch, a table and boxes strewn around a room. She watched as the outline of a man stumbled back against a wall at the other end of the room, his arms stretched out in front of him.

She tried the handle—she really did not want Alex berating her about another broken door—and stepped inside. She started to go forward in order to take charge of the situation but as she took in the scene, she could only gape with an incredulous stare.

An average looking woman moved towards the distressed man, but the graceful sway of her hips hinted at the predator within. The woman had not noticed Kara's approach.

"Get away from me!" he said, sliding his back across the left wall. "Look, lady, I'll just go! No harm done."

"You'll just go?" The woman bit her lip. "Why would you want to do that?"

Kara's brows furrowed. What the hell was going on. And she knew that voice but from where?

"Look, you gotta stop. Supergirl is here. See?" He jerked his head towards Kara and back to the intense…female. "I'll just let her take me into custody!"

While the woman glanced at Kara, he dashed towards the exit. There was a grunt when the woman tackled him to the ground.

"Oh, I like you," the woman purred and lowered her lips to his.

"Ompf! Get off me!"

Kara tugged the woman up by her collar and pulled her off the struggling man. A piercing growl echoed through the room before a fist collided with Kara's nose.

The woman screamed in pain and Kara's eyes widened.

"My hand!" The ridges between the woman's eyes and the bridge of her nose drew back in a furious wrinkle and a snarl erupted from her lips. "You broke my hand! You bitch! You broke my hand!" She drew back as if to make another swing but then thought better of it. "Why are you even here? This doesn't concern you? What? You jump in when people are mating?"

"Mating?" Kara asked, the skin of her forehead drawing back in a crinkle.

"What? Mating? No!" The man hissed. "What is wrong with you?"

Kara shook her head. Her mouth fell open, then snapped shut. She remembered watching the New Years Eve episodes of the Twilight Zone with Eliza where the poor victims always seemed to find that their reality had been changed and turned into an uncomfortable nightmare. With the dreams and now this situation, Kara wondered if she had somehow unintentionally landed in one of those episodes.

"Lyra?"

"My hand! Look what you've done?"

Kara crumpled her nose. She had not even struck Lyra. "But I didn't do anything…"

Lyra twisted and glowered at Kara. "You—"

"I'm leaving. This woman is crazy!" The man got to his feet and started to make his way to the door, but Kara snatched his upper arm with her free hand.

His squawk did not even pull a smirk from her lips.

"You're going nowhere?" Kara stared pointedly at the man. "Until I find out what happened here."

Lyra had finally stopped struggling. "Do you interrupt everyone's—"

"Ok, first." Kara cringed at her raised tone. She took a deep breath and her muscles relaxed. "Aren't you with Winn? Secondly, he's obviously calling out for help!"

"Winn? He broke up with me three weeks ago because he thinks I am too extreme."

"Imagine that," the man muttered under his breath.

"Excuse me—" Lyra tried to twist out of Kara's grip but the attempt was futile. Another growl tore from her lips. "Whatever. This man came into my bedroom. I decided not to disembowel him, and well Winn isn't in the picture anymore. I accepted his advances."

"Advances? I'm a married man." He shuddered.

Kara began to imagine what life with Lyra had been like and shuddered. Poor Winn. She drew her attention back to the feuding couple, and put that terrifying thought into the same compartment she put everything else that involved her old life.

"This is your apartment?" Kara asked, pointing her chin towards Lyra.

"Yes. And you know I normally would kill anyone who would think they could sneak up on—"

"I wasn't trying to sneak! They told me no one was here! I just wanted the jewelry!" The man's words spilled out like word vomit and Kara sighed.

"They? What? You think you can rob me?" Lyra bristled. She thrust her chest towards the man as if momentum alone would carry her. Unfortunately, Kara's hold prevented the attack. "Damn it, Supergirl. Get your hands off me!"

Footsteps stomped down the hallway and the tension on Kara's shoulders ebbed. The NCPD had arrived.

"Supergirl," Maggie tapped on the door frame. "Someone called in a domestic disturbance. What've we got?"

"I have no idea." Kara's lips turned downward and she turned away. "I—"

"Please, officer. I only meant to break in. This….I don't even know what the hell she is…she's trying to—"

"He tried to rob me!" Lyra's screech scraped against Kara's nerves like nails against a chalkboard. It brought back memories of a banshee in one of the Halloween movies Alex used to force her to watch. She pinched the bridge of her nose.

Kara shoved the both of them towards Maggie. They nearly toppled her over.

The man was the first to steady himself. "This thing tried to 'mate' me! She thinks because I broke into her apartment that I wanted to— that's disgusting." The man said, and then his eyes widened when he realized he said too much.

Maggie low chortle made its way to Kara's hearing. "Maybe you should be careful about whose house you 'break’ into…"

Kara's phone vibrated in her boot. She hadn't remembered bringing it. She reached for it and saw the notification. She had enough of James' demands. She would get him a Supergirl exclusive when she had time. Did he not realize she had important things to do? People relied on her. His article could wait. His article did not save lives. Kara did! She rolled her eyes. Absurd. And this situation… every moment spent in this apartment wasted time that could be spent where someone actually needed her.

"Maggie, I will let you handle…this pathetic situation," she said. "I have better things to do."

Kara did not wait for Maggie's reply. She did not notice the narrowed eyes and the slight dip of the police officer's lips. Kara did not look back because Maggie was just another reminder of a past that no longer mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the reviews and kudos. They mean alot. Sorry for how long it took to update this...Life has well been life. Things have settled down over here so I should be updating at a more rapid pace


	5. Chapter 5

Lena sat stiffly inside the small diner on the corner of 14th street, looking out the corner window. It was late in the afternoon, and the sun was minutes away from disappearing into the horizon. The sky had already faded into fiery violet hue, and the moon shined a quicksilver. The dimming light had always brought peace. Perhaps it was due to the fact that day and night existed as one in that brief moment.

The empty street lay motionless, except for the dust that swept through the area. After normal business hours, this part of town was usually vacant. The nightlife occurred on the west side, far away from this small corner.

"Lena?"

A man stood beside her. He drummed a pattern against his pants with his right hand and gave an awkward wave with his left. A coffee stain on his left pocket stood out against the prominent white. Not a good combination.

Her shoulders relaxed a little. She wondered if anyone could see through the slight curve of her lips. "Mr. Schott, I am pleased to see you."

He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his wrinkled khakis. "Lena. Lena…" He tsked lightly. "We've spoken about this. It's Winn!"

She chuckled under her breath. It had been—she couldn't remember the last time she had been face to face with him. A month? Two? "It's good to see you." She hesitated a few seconds. "Winn."

Winn took a seat opposite hers and leaned back in his chair. "Good to see you, too. How have you been?"

Lena's gaze swayed back towards the window. How was she? Horrible. Exhaustion had long clung to her eyes in shadowed ringlets. She had been avoiding sleep until her body took that choice from her. But, then the dreams came and she hated the dreams. They brought her back to that day—the screams—the blood…so much blood like the dream she had last night.

And why had she called Winn? A sardonic voice in her mind scoffed.  _Don't be stupid. You know why._

Winn was the closest she could get to… _her_.

Lena's throat became unbearably dry, but when she swallowed the water from a glass before her, her stomach twisted. She yearned for Kara. She ached for Kara's strong arms, her sky blue eyes, her laughter and the way her embraces made the darkness recede. The thoughts and feelings a mere junior reporter invoked were overwhelming.

But, Kara left her.

_Never let them see you break, sis._

Lena would not be weak. Like the dutiful daughter Lillian had trained her to be, she plastered on big, fake smile to conceal the fact that she was teetering on the edge of sanity. Like Lex. Larger than life Lex with his lightning flash grin. His charisma had not been enough to stop his fall. Even when lead out in handcuffs, he had kept that acerbic smirk on his face. Her mother had always insisted. A smile was a mask like any other and Lex wore it proudly.

Still, even Lillian Luthor would not have approved of the mania that had gleamed from his eyes that fateful day.

Lena studied down her hands while trying to decide what to say next. "It's been busy. I've hardly a minute to myself it seems with the restoration effort."

"I've seen the work you've done with the children's hospital and the relief funds." Winn squinted and tilted his head to the side. "One wonders how you manage to get any rest?"

"Rest? Is that a thing these days?" She chuckled and nodded. "As they say, no rest for the wicked."

The evening continued along with two additional refills of coffee. They spoke of L-Corp and the restoration efforts that she led for the city. It wasn't enough, it would never be enough. But, she still did the best she could do. She had donated millions to shelters and healthcare initiatives as well as hosted charitable galas to aid the children's hospital. She shivered remembering how easy it was for Rhea to condemn the innocent children to death. Rage and fury erupted inside her chest as it did every time she thought of that day. The day her pathetic weakness almost ended the world and ruined her friendship with the only person who ever believed in her.

The scent of apple pie wafted through the air. It was why Lena loved this place. The scent reminded her of another time. A time if soft hands and warm hugs. A time when her real mother would surprise her with apple pies. It was one of the only memories that had not faded.

Kara had literally dragged her through the doors of the diner when she learned of Lena's guilty pleasure—apples and sugar. They had spent hours in this diner and the proprietor, Ruth, welcomed them both with open arms and a piece of her famous pie. Lena and Kara met there at least once a week. Twice if they were lucky.

Unbidden, her chin quivered and by the way Winn's eyebrows furrowed, she knew he caught the movement.

But, she couldn't look him in the eye.

"Lena? How are you really?"

She knew she needed to give him some version of the truth. With hunched shoulders, Lena slumped in the chair. "To be honest, it's been difficult. I've spent so long trying to make up for Lex and Lillian, but it's so hard. It's an uphill battle. And after the invasion, I don't know if I will ever be able to…change anything. No one will ever trust a Luthor again."

"It isn't right how people make judgments before knowing you." He spoke softly with a glazed look in his eye.

She nodded as her gaze slowly traveled back to the window. A woman walked down the street with a child. The fading light grazed over his golden curls. The woman kept the child close as if terrified something would jump out of the shadows and steal him away. If the past year was anything to go by, the woman's fear was well founded.

"It's hard." She lowered her voice, just above a whisper. "It's exhausting always having to prove yourself."

His mouth formed a thin, flat line. "Yeah."

He understood that precarious edge where love became a blackened thing and trust wilted under the weight of delirium. The soft smiles became stiffened lips. At least, Winn's father wasn't actively trying to kill him.

Still, he must understand the pain and resentment that pulsated beneath. He must know the guilt and rage had shadowed her life since her brother's descent into madness.

It never ended, the accusations and recriminations—even if they were mostly her own. Did he suffer from the mocking whispers about his insane father?

And Winn, how was he any different from her? They shared this burden at least.

She inwardly rolled her eyes at herself. Of course, he was different. He had been a child when his world came crashing down. He had been able to distance himself from his family and the flashing lights and the cruel barbs questioning his sanity. His friends believed in him while she still faced accusations.

She wondered if his circle of friends—Kara's circle of friends knew his past when they first met. Did they judge him like they had her? Had he faced their hardened expressions?

"Was it hard?" She asked.

"Was what hard?"

"Afterwards. When... did people judge you because of your father?"

He leaned back in his chair, one palm on the table, fingers stretched outward. A shadow briefly crossed his face and silence engulfed them. She didn't know how long he remained quiet and she half expected him to curse her name and leave the diner.

He did neither.

His jaw clenched and his eyes had a faraway cast as if he was staring into another time—another place.

"I loved my father, you know." A vulnerability tinged his words. "He was my hero." Sardonic laughter slipped from his mouth. "I mean my dad was working on cutting edge stuff. I was a kid, sue me if I thought toys were cutting edge..."

Lena chuckled, and the atmosphere lightened a little.

"But, I was a kid. I didn't understand why he suddenly grew so angry. Every, damned—" His fist banged against the table and he jumped at the noise as if he was not aware that his fist had connected to the surface.

"Day." The last word barely made it past her ears.

She opened her mouth to speak but her thoughts were jumbled, and she just...couldn't...think of anything to say. For once, she was speechless because each word he uttered was another dull cut to her core because she got it. Anything she could come up with would be outweighed by the depth of emotions that tied the two of them to parallel heartbreaks and agony.

No. Words were not enough and it did not matter. He continued on as if not noticing her internal conflict.

"I wasn't a sporty kid, you know? I mean I did the required ones—soccer, baseball... They just weren't my thing. They weren't his either but every Saturday at game day, there he'd be cheering me on. He would wave his hands at me and proclaim, 'that's my boy'." He glanced at the table. "I never would have believed how much I miss that."

Memories of the International Science Fair back in Ireland touched her mind. She remembered the audience. There had to have been thousands of blank faces in the huge auditorium. Faint traces of ammonia and some other cleaning supplies lingered in the air. She was finishing a speech on her submission—the application of Artificial Intelligence and robotic engineering on diabetes.

Her heart had raced because this was probably a horrible idea and she should just stop before she dragged the Luthor name through more mud and have to face her mother's wrath again. And, she was so tired of the criticism and the recriminations and she just wanted for once to be the one that made Lillian smile—

She saw him.

Her brother with his head held high and chin tilted in that proud angle. He was the first to applaud when she finished her presentation. He had come even though Lillian had thought the activity a waste of Lex's valuable time.

He still came...

And now, he wanted her dead.

Her eyes stung and—when had it gotten so hot?

Her heart clenched as she thought of her brother with the lopsided grin. Lex's love twisted into hate, each cord of affection tangling together with every delusion until the end result was revenge. Black and white.

_You're with me or against me, Lena_

_You can't be both._

Lena took a deep breath, trying to steady her pulse.

Winn glanced at her with a tight smile. "It's hard when...you knew what they were like before..."

"Before they abandoned you." She whispered.

Her right cheek tickled, the sensation trailing down her chin. She cringed.

_A Luthor does not cry._

She didn't look up at Winn, just kept her gaze on her fork. She felt his eyes on her, though. After a minute, he said, "Yeah, I know."

As usual, when she let herself drift off into thoughts of Lex, emptiness settled into the space below her lungs. It hurt. It always hurt. She yearned for the contents of her coffee cup to be filled with the top shelf variety of the Irish whiskey she had in boarding school.

"You know, there were signs, I just wouldn't see it. He grew obsessed…paranoid. It was slow though. It didn't get bad until I was in college and I hardly saw him then. We grew apart. But, I—there had been signs… I should have tried harder." She picked at her pie—the pie Ruth had delivered without her being aware. She frowned. "I feel like I failed him, you know?"

Lena shook her head, shaking off the memories of better times...well better times...when her brother actually loved her.

_Don't let them touch you, sis._

She distantly realized she was clenching the edge of the table when a hand covered her own. Winn's smile vanished but his eyes held compassion and certainty.

She had been wrong. He had known her pain even if he had not lived the entirety of her life. Winn was another kindred spirit loved so thoroughly only to be thrown into the garbage like an afterthought.

"You're not alone, Lena." He squeezed her hand and then a wide grin formed on his face. "Hey! We can form a club!"

Something still tickled her cheeks but she managed a smile. "Oh? Our families really put the 'fun' in dysfunctional." She let out a sardonic laugh. "Sure, let's do it."

Winn nodded his head enthusiastically. "I'll bring the pizza."

Lena smirked. "God, Kara would try to force her way into every meeting I mean..."

The twinge in heart struck deep in her rib cage. It resonated with a clear image of  _her_  face, that smile that always set the heart racing. The intensity in those deep blue eyes that smoldered like the end of a storm.

She trembled in the aftershock of Kara's name.

"Lena..."

Lena couldn't hide the way her lips trembled or the quiet sob stuck deep in her throat. She couldn't hide anything and she couldn't stop the way she broke down before Winn. Kara's friend.

She needed to leave. It was too much. Her eyes snapped to the door—the only thing barring Lena from freedom.

Instead, her mouth betrayed her. "She hates me."

"Lena...no. She doesn't hate you."

"She does. She blames me. I hurt her. I broke her. She lost...she lost Mike because of me."

Winn's lips slanted downward. "You didn't release the tin into the air. That isn't on you. You saved everyone, Lena."

Lena rubbed her fingers against her nose. "No. I caused it. I gave Rhea what she wanted. I was pathetic...and Kara lost the love of her life because of me!"

"She doesn't see it that way...it isn't your fault."

"Really?" Lena hated the way her voice rose, the pain evident in her tone. "You could have fooled me. I haven't seen her. Not once since everything happened. Not once."

"She's in pain. She's distanced herself from everyone. Even me."

Lena's shoulders slumped. "I've tried so hard to reach out. At first, I stood back. She needed time. I get that. But days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Not once has she returned my calls. I get an occasional text but..."

"I know... I've run into her from time to time but she's always found some reason to leave. You know, have you tried going to her apartment?" His phone buzzed and he glanced down at it. His brows furrowed, but he ignored it. "She's always thought so highly of you. If you go there, she might respond?"

"I don't—wouldn't that be too much? I couldn't just impose." Lena pursed her lips. She could go, maybe if she showed up, Kara would talk to her. At least she'd know if they could salvage their friendship. "I mean to show up unannounced..."

"It's just a thought," Winn said. "It couldn't hurt."

Sweat clung to her palms and her pulse raced in her chest. She could go to Kara's. She could get answers. Yet, the horrible truth that hung heavy around her neck mocked her. She was terrified of the truth. She would have to face the condemnation of Kara's expression and the hostile intent in her eyes. It would be too hard.

Again, his phone vibrated and he muttered under his breath. He peered up at her and shot her a wry smile. "It was great seeing you today, Lena. But, I have to cut our visit short."

Lena's lips lifted into a real smile. "It's always a pleasure, Winn. Thank you for...this."

"So this is how you spend your nights after telling me you need space?"

Lena lurched in her seat at the unexpected voice.

"Lyra, what are you doing here?"

A woman towered over Winn with murder in her eyes. The ridges of her nose stretched as her nostrils flared with every inhalation. Light blue eyes blazed into Winn and it was a lucky thing the woman did not share Supergirls's laser vision. Otherwise, ashes would stand in Winn's place.

Recognition tugged at Lena, but she could not place how she knew the woman.

"Supergirl ruined my night. And then I went to your apartment. Imagine my surprise to find out you weren't there!"

"Lyra, we talked about this. Space means distance between you and me."

Now, Lena remembered. Lyra had been Winn's girlfriend. The girl had a temper.

"Yes, but I did not think it meant jumping on the first whore that comes your way!"

Whore? Normally, she would let it go. She was a Luthor, she could take a little name-calling. But, this woman did not know her and the skin on her neck rose at the way Winn shied away from Lyra.

Her emotions hung on weakened strings, chaotic and unrestrained. Every fear mixed with doubt rose to the surface and merged with her self-hatred until it spun into a violent vortex.

"Lyra, I am just sitting here talking to my friend..."

"Friend? Really? And where exactly are you going to do this talking?"

"Here?"

"You are a liar, Winn Schott. You are not looking for this 'space.' You are seeking to mate this..." Lyra scowled and turned towards Lena. "This disgusting human. How much are you charging him?"

Her control snapped. She reached into her purse and wrapped her fingers around her trusty taser.

"Excuse me?" Lena growled, raising a dangerous brow.

Lyra's snarled. The woman literally snarled with hackles raised, teeth bared like a mountain lion she had seen on the discovery channel. "You need to keep your hands off of him. He is mine."

A rush of energy flared in Lena's lungs and her muscles tensed. "First, it says a lot about a person's character when they throw insults around like an adolescent fool. Learn some control, sweetheart." Lena gave Lyra a hard stare. It might be stupid. She had no idea what powers the alien had, but the adrenaline that coursed through her veins spurred her on even as Winn kept shaking his head in frantic motions. "Second, if you burst into every situation like that, I can understand why he would need space. I would expect that from a child, not a grown woman. Third, I did not realize Winn had a collar with your name—"

Lyra howled and the scream echoed, crawling up the spine like a line of driver ants, somewhere between the acidic shriek of nails on a chalkboard and the last guttural roar of a dying rooster. She surged forward, fastening her hands around Lena's neck. She squeezed. Lena pulled at the fingers pressing into her windpipe while twisting her head but the grip had not lessened.

Winn lunged forward, arms stretched out towards Lyra's wrist but she shoved him off with her free one. He crashed into the chair before toppling on the floor.

"I should kill you, human!"

Between Lyra's enraged screams melting into heated words from another language, Lena could barely hear anything. Darkness clouded her vision and her throat burned. She had to stay conscious. She could not lose herself.

Without realizing it, she gripped the same taser she used the night Lillian's henchmen threw her off the balcony. A scream rippled through the air and Lyra was off her, writhing on the floor.

Lena took deep breaths, calming herself before kneeling down beside the other woman. "Lastly never touch a Luthor. We always come prepared. Also, Winn is not my type. I enjoy a...softer touch."

Winn had already righted himself and walked towards her, his face turning a reddish hue. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea she would come here." His eyes narrowed as he looked down at his girlfriend. "How did she even know where I was?"

Lena glanced at Lyra, who still her eyes with her fingers, and shrugged. "Should I call the police?"

Winn sighed. "No, I'll handle it. She just needs to calm down."

Part of Lena wanted to argue the point. That creature had attacked her, but the look in Winn's eyes stayed her hand. "Fine, I'll let it go. But, if she causes any more disturbances or hurts you in any way, she will learn exactly what a Luthor is capable of."

Winn shuddered. "Yup. Lyra, you are going to stay away from the nice lady."

Lyra only continued shrieking.

"I should go. I think—I think I'll do as you suggested."

She reached for Winn's hands and her entire body stiffened when he wrapped his arms around her. "It was good seeing you, Lena."

"Yes..." She backed away. "Yes, always a pleasure."

She stepped out into the night and towards the woman who haunted her days.

_I will always be your friend._

Lena remembered the sun and how it had shined on her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I am so sorry I have been slow to update. I started a new job and it is hard to get anything written while I was training. Anyways, the last two chapter have been strange because a friend who shall remain nameless kept giving me twisted scenarios about Lyra. I do like Lyra so sorry if it seems I am picking on her lol


	6. Chapter 6

She was exhausted. She grimaced as she shoved a k'hund into one of the holding cells. Her back still ached from a rough kick that sent her spiraling down towards a group of teenagers. She remembered how the sun bounced off their cellphones.

 _Stupid_.

She was like a missile crashing to the ground and those…those…people would rather stand there as if they weren't about to be pulverized. She had barely managed to stop her fall. The five kids and their precious devices had no clue how close they were to being flattened like one of her mother's pancakes—all for the chance of another video going viral.

She remembered hovering ten feet from the ground, her nose flaring as she fixed them with an icy glare.

They had scattered after that…

After what had felt like an eternity but was really just ten minutes according to her new DEO-issued watch, she contained the bea—man—person. She had wished she could leave it to the DEO agents to handle the imprisonment, but the jerk would not stop struggling, and she had no wish to see another black eye.

So, here she was, inhaling his putrid breath which mingled with the ache in her tummy.

The k'hund growled like a big overgrown bear. "I know you. You're just like your mother. So self-righteous. She was such—"

She half expected the room to heat up with her righteous indignation. She thought he must have expected it to from the way he backed up slowly.

She felt nothing. Why should his words matter? Her mother was dead.

She did not bother to muster up a fake smile. "Enjoy your stay."

The tip of his ears reddened and he lifted his chin to peer down at her. Meaty fists pounded on the glass like walls.

After his tantrum had subsided, he growled. "Yeah? You're worse. You pretend to be a hero to these people. You are nothing."

She spun on the heels of her boot and stalked out of the room, his raging insults followed into the hall.

"Kara?"

Alex leaned against the left side of the wall, both arms folded against her chest. Her face was unreadable, but a slight crinkle appeared on her forehead.

"What?" She asked, her tone sharper than intended.

Both froze for a brief moment at the bite in her tone then she sighed and forced her shoulders to relax. She had not realized how tense they were.

"Can we talk?" Alex's face softened and she smiled. "We'll have lunch. You must be hungry." Her smile flashed then faded, replaced by a furrowed forehead. "After dealing with that mess. Besides, I miss you."

Once, she would have been enthused by Alex's request, over the moon as they called it. Now, she just wanted to escape. She glanced at the wall, finding the different shapes and patterns that marred the surface fascinating. She realized she was fiddling with her sleeves and stilled her fingers.

"I'm so sorry. I wish I had time but Snapper is on me again and there is so much to do. I've got to get this article about…unrest in the city since…" She swallowed, trailing off before straightening her shoulders. "I need to have it on his desk first thing tomorrow."

Alex studied her, one eyebrow raised. "Kara, you always have time for food."

A small pocket of heat curled in her chest. Kara. She hated that name. Even if it had been her given name, on Earth, the meaning behind it changed. The years had reduced it to the fragility of all things human. She was not human. She was better than that.

She wanted to growl out her irrational fury, spit out the words and stalk away but she did not. She was above such rash behavior. That was something her weaker self would do. Instead, she looked at her adopted sister. "I'll get something on the way to the office. Mr. jerk head over there took way too much time." She rolled her eyes and then offered a stiff grin. "It must have been a conspiracy to force me to work late."

Alex glanced down the hallway, towards the first group of cells and frowned. His shouts, a distant rumble, could still be heard. "Sure you can't spare an hour?"

Shadows darkened the pale walls, gliding over the indentations. Everything they touched blackened like tar. The stench of cleaning solution assailed her sinuses, so overpowering that she guessed the janitors had just polished the floor.

"I wish I could. There is just so much to do. Raincheck?"

An odd expression passed over Alex's face. She started to open her mouth, the words hanging on her tongue. But, after a moment, her shoulders slumped. "Fine, Kara. Raincheck."

Supergirl—the woman she had become—nodded and strode down the hallway. A small part of her felt bad for lying, but she dampened the emotion, shoveling it deep with the part of her that still beat, however faint.

It was better this way.

###

It had been hours since the incident of the k'hund or days. She barely kept track anymore. Day and night intermingled, leaving everything in an almost twilight zone-like stillness.

In her living room, she stared at nothing. The walls stretched around her. But, she kept her gaze from the windows. She used to love sitting on the ledge, breathing in the city, letting it fill her lungs. That was before the world ended. That was before Kara Danvers died and Supergirl took her place.

Kara Danvers. The name twisted in her gut and rose like bile. The name no longer held meaning. Kara was a brief dream of another time, another memory that lightly touched her.

Kara was nothing.

The walls began to close in on her, memories threatening to press in and that was bad—and wrong. So wrong. She shook her head, unwilling to allow the bittersweet recollections of another life haunt her. It was this room—this apartment. Memories of  _him_  saturated through the room, bouncing off the hardwood floors and her soft couch. She remembered how he held her there in another life. Another place.

She remembered the strength of his arms as he wrapped them around her and the lopsided smile when he gazed upon her as if she was his world—as if the world could implode around him, but it would not matter as long as he held her in his sight.

The world did erupt into flames and it took him with it. No, she gave him to it. She pushed him into the pod to save his life. A life that she had threatened when she pressed the button that leaked lead into the air.

She blinked.

She had to stop. She had to force herself to stop remembering because memories were bad.

She was Supergirl and Supergirl could not break.

Supergirl would  _not_  break.

She closed her eyes and focused on creating a shield. She visualized Amazonium forming around her, shoving the recollections back. Kal-El had said the metal was near indestructible. He would know, he was close to Wonder Woman. The Amazons were well versed in that metal. Supposedly, it could withstand the strength of a Kryptonian.

She yawned and sank lower on the couch. Her eyes, heavy with fatigue, began to close and she could barely expend the mental energy to keep the shield up. She had to, she couldn't afford the pain that would weigh her down. Her body gradually began to liquefy into the sofa. The urge to drag her feet into her bedroom was intense but then the dreams would come. And with the dreams came the memories.

"Stop it!" She pounded her fist against the arm of her couch and closed her eyes at the resounding crack.

The couch was another thing she had broken. It would not be the last.

She reached for the remote, and the silent television came to life. None of the shows held her interest. Within seconds, her head fell back against the headrest.

_Stay awake. Damn it stay awake!_

Her stomach growled, a reminder she hadn't eaten since breakfast. Even then, it had been only a couple bites of muffin. Since the invasion, she only ate in sporadic bursts when her hunger became too unbearable. Her clothes had begun to hang off her waist as if they were never hers to begin with. She was a ghost. A skeleton. A scar of a different time.

Her stomach refused to be ignored. She stretched, then shuffled to the kitchen. Her refrigerator stood almost empty, except for a half-eaten pizza that she had ordered the day before. Or had it been a week? It still seemed edible.

A gallon of milk occupied the top shelf and she became uncomfortably aware of her dry throat. She poured herself a glass. It would expire soon and that meant another trip to the store. She hated going out in public and avoided it unless her duty required her presence. She gulped down the contents until the thirst abated.

The door burst open.

She crouched, biceps tensing, leg muscles strained. Perhaps she should have listened to her sister and kept the door locked. Even if her skin was impervious to virtually everything, at least she would not have to bother with another human—or alien. Not that anyone had ever broken in before.

She took a step forward into Alex.

"Alex?" Her shoulders relaxed. "What are you doing here?"

"Nice way to greet your sister…"

"I—uh—I didn't expect you. How was I supposed to know you'd barge in here? Most people knock you know," she said, fumbling with her words.

Alex shut the door behind her and walked into the apartment. Wrinkling her nose she took in the state of the living room and kitchen. Pizza boxes littered the table and floor. Scattered pages of half-written articles covered the coffee table and dusted the ground. Plates and glassware filled the sink and countertop. The air had a sense of staleness, but it did not matter.

It's not as if she spent time in the apartment anyway.

"Kara, what…" Alex's eyes widened. "Your apartment. It's—"

"What do you want, Alex?"

Alex's face flushed, and the muscles on her head were constricting. She jabbed her index finger at the table. "For you to clean your apartment would be a good start!" She stomped back and forth like a restless tiger until she unexpectedly spun on her booted heel and stepped right up to Supergirl. "For you to turn on the damn lights! What the hell, Kara?"

Supergirl—not Kara—lifted her shoulder blades and let them drop.

Huffing, Alex reached for one of the pizza boxes and marched towards the kitchen. "My god, the trash is overflowing!"

"I haven't had time to take out the trash."

"In a month?" Lifting her face towards the room, Alex made a prayer like gesture. Supergirl knew it was a way to rein in her temper. Alex whirled on her. "And when was the last time you've eaten? Don't think I haven't noticed, Kara!" She threw her arms up. "It's been months! Months since I have seen you outside of work!"

"I've been busy."

"Busy? You've been busy for months. Months, Kara! You've shut everyone out!" Alex glances at her feet. "You've shut me out."

Her stomach clenched and her heart panged with the pain that clouded Alex's face. She drove it away—she couldn't afford to feel remorse. Instead, she lied. "I haven't shut you out."

The lie felt smooth yet bitter on her tongue.

"He isn't dead, Kara. You saved him from that. It's been half a year! It's time to stop this! You need to stop shutting us out! You need your friends and family right now. Let us in!"

Her heart raced as an image of Mon-el framed in her mind. She gasped and bit down on her trembling bottom lip. "No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to tell me how to feel." She glared down at her sister. "If it was Maggie, you would be stuck at some bar somewhere."

Alex flenched. "You're right. If it was Maggie I would. But, I know you. I know if I was at some bar, you'd be there for me. You wouldn't give up on me." Her expression softened as her eyes grew bright with tears. "Just as I won't give up on you."

Supergirl exhaled through tight lips. She needed Alex to leave. Her stomach clenched and her chest constricted. She needed to escape. "Why are you here, Alex?"

Alex stiffened as if realizing that she had a purpose for intruding into the quiet and empty sanctity of the apartment,

"James told me that you resigned."

"I did."

"Why, Kara? You loved that job!"

"Because I have outgrown Catco. The world needs Supergirl, not a reporter."

"What?"

"I realized that being a reporter is pointless. Acting like a human is pointless. I am not human." She stared through Alex, but not quite meeting her eyes. "Pretending to be was a mistake. That life was a mistake."

"No, your life was never a mistake! You have been a friend and inspiration to so many. You…you are just grieving and—"

"No. A human would grieve. A human would let their emotions rule them." She straightened and held her chin high. "I am not human. I have to be better than that. Supergirl must be better than that."

"You are not Supergirl. Supergirl is an ideal, a symbol." Alex said. "You are Kara, my sister. My sister who is a big dork and loves potstickers and is so loyal to a fault. My sister who never gives up and fights for what she believes in. Who would even fight me! My sister who is more of a hero to me than Supergirl could ever hope to be."

"Then you are a fool. Kara Danvers is dead."

A lone tear traced the plains of Alex's cheeks. "Kara, I—"

Alex's phone buzzed in her pocket and she grabbed it. She glanced at the screen and then her sister. "I…I have to go. But, please think about what I said, Kara. I love you."

Supergirl remained silent as the agent strode out her door.

Minutes passed, maybe hours. She had not kept track. The television still droned in the background, but it had failed to keep her attention. She stared at it—mindless like one of the movies her sister forced her to watch as a kid. At least a zombie would not have to keep holding back the grief. She wished she were mindless.

Someone knocked on her door and her shoulders stiffened. She had no desire to deal with Alex again. Shaking her head, she lifted her glasses to peer through the door and her heart stopped.  _Lena_. The untouched glass of milk slipped from her fingers and only her super speed kept it from shattering on the floor.

"Kara." The voice was soft, but still cut through the door. It ripped through her and against her will she padded towards the door trance-like.

On the other side, Lena took a shallow breath. "Please Kara, I know you're there. I've been told you would be. Please, please talk to me."

Standing stock still, the woman who was once Kara, felt a spur of something…like the faint caress of candlelight bloom within. Some small part of herself remained and it reached forward in that instant and struck at the carefully built fortress of solitude she had constructed around herself.

She squeezed her hands into tight fists to weaken the emptiness in her chest. She felt the tightness that coiled around her throat and the insurmountable pressure between her rib cage.

She struggled. And struggled.

"Kara." Lena choked out, her voice hoarse.

Inwardly, the piece of her that was still Kara took in Lena's rapid pulse and the tears that brushed against the ground. It crushed her. She realized absently that her own tears running down her cheeks were in synchrony with Lena's.

A gasp and a hitched breath, barely audible to human ears deafened hers. She stared at the door without seeing. She fought to bring her thoughts under control. Her best friend waited on the other side, trembling and gasping with open sobs. Supergirl felt her pain—but she tried to process it as a dispassionate fact. She stood stock still, struggling to remain in the apathetic bubble that had become her reality for so long.

Kara raged inside, struggling to break free, driven to reach Lena. It was all-encompassing—this need.

She took a deep shaky breath, deeply entrenched in an inward battle to keep her more human side contained. She had to be strong.

She wasn't strong enough.

For a moment, her vision grew gray. And if she could feel it, she would be sure her body would have been shivering from a chill in the air.

"Kara.." The voice broke and Supergirl's heart broke with it. "Please…I need you." Lena's cheek rested against the door. "You promised you'd always be there." Another sob tore from her throat. "You promised. Please. I just need to know…need to…"

Her blond hair swing from side to side, strands whipping into her face.  _No_! She had to be strong. Lena was a friend from another time and nothing more. If only the turmoil in her chest accepted that decision.

But that pain was Kara Danvers' and Kara Danvers never existed.

"Kara, I need you."

But something of Kara had been saved. Some lost part of her past stepped through the fog clouding her mind and tipped and collapsed the world of grays and smoking clarity. A multitude of snapshots fired behind her lids like an eruption within; the way her heart had thundered in her chest when she found Lena twisting in the air, arms reaching for anything to stop the fall. Kara had been gripped by something instinctive and terrifying powerful that had rushed through and filled her veins with a sudden fury. She had unleashed that fury on the men who had thrown her best friend off the balcony.

And then how Lena's smile brightened her day, the way her eyes would be trained on her—just Kara as if she cared about what was said.

Kara brought her fingers to the doorknob.

The howling of police sirens cut through the moment and her hand fell to her side.

"I'm sorry, Lena." She whispered softly, knowing Lena wouldn't hear her. The self-hatred resonated through the tone. "You deserve better than me."

She bit back the tears and took another step back.

The wind buffeted her cape after she shot out the window. Away from Lena. Away from Kara. Away from herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I know this deviates a little from the show - and I really plan to deviate. Anyways this is unbetaed so any errors are my own. I know the last two chapters were quirky but from here on out it will be...raw. Well, kind of. I will probably go back over this to chase away errors

**Author's Note:**

> For some odd reason, I wrote this after watching first episode season 3. I don't know what came over me.


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